THE INSULTING NEWSPAPER

Okay, Yadda yadda yadda, updates, updates, alright. This article was requested and then forced into production by the Poor Citizens' Education Bureau of the United States; the following is being written on the 12th of the 3rd, 2063. I'll start with the more interesting topics first because I really wouldn't want to trouble any of you with the economy or the environment. A man was shot dead today after thirteen rifles were fired into his chest, okay, not rifles, whatever, bullets, fuck off it won't matter to you anyway, um...his chest exploded, like, 'cause he was shot. The scene in Malcolm X; if you got through all three hours, he get's shot, it's kickass, that's what this looked like. Isidore John Curtis was just 23 years old (that's young for someone without syphilis) when he was shot dead in the chest sixteen times, sixteen times, shot in the chest...sixteen times, chest, shoot; I may as well repeat the keywords a few times, fuck it. He was a doctor. He had a wife. It's sad. If your children are dead from syphilis and you haven't paid the rent you don't have to feel morally obliged to be upset about it. If your children are dead from syphilis but you now have the money to pay the rent you should probably take some time to register your sadness. Simple morals, simple people. As the man fell to his death his last words were profound and touching but unfortunately the weight of readers could not handle them because they were kind of like when one of you goes to a theatre for some fucking reason and comes out smiling and saying "Oh, it was all a bit weird, it was an interesting experience though, and I'm glad I came," or "I like that opera music, but only in a certain context, I don’t think I would listen to it at home", if you know what I mean. Oh, yeah, lol. I remember. Oil has gone fucking crazy. Srsly. I'd recommend suicide but the airborne ebola is finishing you fuckers off pretty sufficiently anyhow. But holy crap dude. If it wasn't for the fields and fields of wind turbines I own, I'd be fucking bricking it, lol. Seriously. I read the paper this morning and I was like whaaaa?! HONESTLY. The oil has gone fah-hucking mental I tell you. Prices like the crown goddamn jewels. I wuz like hol-lll-lll-yyy shiiit, the serfs are screwed now. LMAO. Probably shouldn't laugh. Lol. Okay, next up, politics...once again, neither of the candidates have chosen to herald the cure for syphilis..and it's all fairly boring- I wouldn't recommend that you vote. Um, that's about it, I guess I should tell you about the candidates- John Merton, Isiah Mutton, Philip Franciscus, Philip Franciscus is probably going to win, he's a capitalist it won't change much and no there still isn't a cure for syphilis, you whiny ungrateful bastards. Okay...so, oh, yes, Science news. Yeah, science. Um...listen, I honestly don't want to insult you, but I looked at this science yesterday and I was like FUUUUCKK that's some complicated logic they got down there. Thing about science is it's kinda big-minded and that, I mean even ME, like EVEN ME ololol only delves into it like once a week or some shit just to see what's down. Like no, I mean I'm not an idiot, obviously, I KNOW about science like obviously yeah I mean basically I do obviously KNOW about science like I do KNOW what it is obviously ololol. Like I don't just say shit to pretend I know things and insult other people to make myself feel better I do actually KNOW these things like what to talk about mate. Um but basically in the world of science there's been a new theory that has been recently released about like this, like massive atom collider in like Spain, or I think Spain, yeah, and apparently like if they don't, cuz they've built it like over a whole few decades like so apparently if it doesn't go well then it will make like a black whole or something. Yeah I saw that like on C4 last night, this documentary it had that guy in it with the...the wheelchair guy. Actually, it's funny you should mention that- I mean me mention that, I mean I mentioned that, but apparently in Japan or China, or somewhere they have made a bomb that's more powerful than like the atom bomb. I don't know if they want to use it or whatever but it depends on whose finger is on the button and who's calling the shots and whatnot in the white house...I sure as fuck know I wouldn't be happy to be one of you shiny little wankers right now though- makes me happy to have a sky base and 300 well-oiled whores as revved up as the army of King Leonidas. Gtg lul