Jamie for the modern reader; Three Extracts

JAMIE ON EVOLUTION

As the theory of evolution by natural selection is a relatively modern (and silly) idea, there is no core scripture on it in the Stone Texts. However, the theory of evolution clearly conflicts with The Slabs of Creation. Here, it is chiselled;

All the creatures on the earth, he created them

Other passages that contradict this theory can be found in Laws, The Sacred Rejuvination and The Echoing Downfall. A phenomenal amount of work has also been done to counter this theory in many oracular logbooks and theological doctrines. The most famous piece of oracular writing in opposition to the theory of evolution is the popular hymn 'O, Jamie Who Made It All, Yeah" written by the oracle Yosiah Min IV sometime in the latter half of the fifteenth century;

All the creatures, 1 2 3
Jamie made them from his own
Yeah Jamie made the creatures yeah
And they did not evolve because
Jamie made them himself yeah on
The first day he made them all yeah

I include only one verse from the full hymn*, which has only ever been performed once and is said to be longer than the epic of Gilgamesh. However, one can already notice the clear themes of Min's songwriting becoming apparent in this, his first commercial work. This hymn is particularly more relevant than any other Jamiean statement on evolution because of its explicit and ferociously literal interpretation of the theological contention against evolution as a viable theory. Min is said to have written the hymn in a sudden rush on his way home from fuck, a popular practise in the late 2000s, and said this about his own work-

"I cannot say whether 'O, Jamie Who Made It All, Yeah' is a positive argument in the battle against Darwin or not but I would at least hope that your shiny fklukmp is raining on the sky lol because I never had the sheer dunkmp to filch my own filcheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yeah?"


*the full hymn continues in App. 12

JAMIE ON FOREIGNERS

Prior to the outlawing of Freedom of Speech in 2065, Jamie’s views on the foreign peoples were largely distorted due to centuries of political campaigning and religious dissent. In the twelve years since World Congress passed the law banning free speech, a vague universal understanding of his word has somewhat been realised, but the details remain incredibly vague, and muddled at the level of intricacy. However, with the SPUJ’s exclusive access to the Stone Texts, information has been gleaned which has shed an enormous amount of light on the issue, though it has yet to be released to the public in a formal capacity. Suffice it to say that Jamie does not like them and would rather they be sent home. I will elaborate on this in the following passages.

There happens to be a parable, now infamous, in which Jamie physically assaults, psychologically taunts and rapes a young woman because, in his words, “This woman was a foreigner and it is only right that she face the consequences of her actions.” In fact, whilst the Stone Texts don’t specifically name the whos and wheres of this occurrence, the physical acts are chiselled in lurid detail; one passage recounting how he actually sustained a period of sexually enraged abuse for thirty days and thirty nights without respite. However, most liberal theologians today consider this a metaphor and of little moral concern.
It is with this story that I begin this explanatory chapter, not because it grabs the eye and incites intrigue, but purely because it is illustrative of the entire controversy surrounding Jamie’s opinion on those not of native race. Whilst a story of brutal sexual violence on the basis of race might at first seem ethically questionable as a children’s parable, it only takes some simple reasoning to realise that the tale is merely a piece of allegorical poetry. The same can be said for many other of Jamie’s words on this subject, and many folktales, rumoured parables or decrees within the Stone Texts. However, as with all things, let’s begin with the beginning. In LAWS 26-36.2/ Jamie’s definitive words on race were written.
It is chiselled;

Come, bedfellows, and listen to the sky, for there is a voice betwixt the stars and the black. It is the Man, and he has words:
“I command you- if you are drinking the water of your own rivers and the fruits of your own plantations then revel, for you are glorious. But if you are within your village and in your village you see a man of whom you are not aware, then you must bludgeon him, for he is a foreigner.”
The lord hath spoken.

It’s true that while this verse seems an offensive one, it is relatively tame in comparison to other more extreme sections of the great diatribe, as here;

Come, bedfellows, and listen to the sky, for there is a voice betwixt the stars and the black. It is the Man, and he has words:
“I command you- if you sup with your mother and your sister, and your brother and your father and your grandfather and grandmother, you are a noble people, and your crops will grow plentifully. But if you are supping with your mother and your sister one eve and through your window there is spotted a poor girl whom you do not recognise, you must throw rice upon her face and beat her with sticks, for she is the devil child and will ruin your crops.”
The lord hath said his word. Sleep now and remember the message.

Come, children of the doomed race, for see in your fields the foreign folk.
And peer 'pon his shiny incandescent face and say;
NAY
Say NAY to his ideals and his tubby feet
Send his black face home broken in the night
For this man was but a foreigner
And to him your rice is candy

One could have many hours of fun quoting these great verses, but for the average reader it may seem hard to reconcile the sensibilities of today with these 'antiquated' ideals. However, the modern reader is greatly mistaken- covert statistics taken from a survey of the terran population five years ago state that those who follow the express decree delivered by Jamie on the intrusion of foreigners increase their lifespan by an average of ten years. Who doesn’t want to live an extra ten years? This may seem like feeble and arguably specious reasoning to justify racism, but it is important to look at some of the great moralist leaders of our time; Benito Mussolini, J’OREK The Pissed, Bloodspew Von Killalot, and realise that most of these people must also have been racist.

JAMIE ON HOMOSEXUALS

As with foreigners, there is something curiously notable about homosexuals. Since Jamie felt that speaking of these people would "defile the soul of spirit, purge the mind of logic, destroy the creator, brutalise the child and the animal, make your home and your neighbours home a sick, sick desert, bring a vomit on the beautiful mountain ranges and forests, make the young woman an ugly woman; to trim her and make her insane," there is no direct indication of his teachings on homosexuality in itself, and so it is a far better and more liberal gauge to consult his still-living oracles.
The most prominent leaders refused to talk on this topic, due to personal shit, however a few less well known members of the Oracular Conglomerate have agreed to speak, with the condition that their names be hid. The team of researchers on our hefty, scattered volume of Jamie analysis gathered a surprisingly vast and varied amount of quotes that bore shocking veracity on homosexuality. Here are just a few;

"There is no reason why homosexuals should not be accepted in a society such as ours where people can put their cocks in the mouth of a dog in a Dutch coffee house and positively spurt with joy. Were you to ask me the same question five years ago I think I would have called you a madman but I've been to Holland and this thing with dogs really does happen and so I've had to rectify my opinion."